Dreams wide like a country mile

I somehow believe that overnight train trips with a person one loves can be one of the most beautiful moments in life. Is that strange? I want to go on one in the east coast or Europe with my best friend who I haven’t genuinely talked to in months…. Wow, I really miss him. I hope I’m not delusional … I hope our bonds are strong enough that we’re still best friends… I’ve been emotionally dormant this year. That’s it Alice. motivation.

courage for my friends. my dawgs. haha

i’m going to list them on the bottom. to remember that i still have to try 

i can’t try for myself. why would i? i fucking hate myself. 

lets do this, alice. 

also, to show the people that gave up on me

maybe they made the right decision 

maybe i had to prove myself first, but i didn’t 

so, thank you for not babying me. 

but deep down, in a corner of my true self, i’ll still hate you. it’s messed up, i know. i can’t change everything. 

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so i guess this isn’t all useless right? 

in reading and rereading everything, i’m actually learning about myself. seeing my blatant flaws and knowing their dire consequences teaches me to not think of it as okay, as i previously had.

i did it instinctively. i didn’t know wrong from right. 

i’m defensive and as a result i lash out 

sigh… gotta stop this shit 

oh my god 

i want to cry 

i’m a really bad friend! 

i respond to genuine niceness and care with hostility and scathing comments 

and that pushes away the people that i need most.. 

i have to stop doing that! 

but am i even able to ? 

damn it…. 

this has caused/will cause me so much suffering… damn it! 

i think that so far

today is a good day (: 

went to todai and the mall with this guy i know from physics and stats lul 

and i was so scared that it would be awkward 

but it wasn’t really 

we had fun. 

even though it was still with me 

but that’s okay. 

i liked it. 

he’s a senior. going to johns hopkins next year. 

i wish i took pictures. 

but i always feel weird about taking pictures when i’m hanging out with someone. but i always like the pictures afterwards. 

the only thing is that 

we didn’t really talk about deep stuff. lol. 

well, that’s okay. it’s too early anyways. 

a sad thing is that 

i just realized that some im logs of me and thomas are lost forever. 

because that other computer crashed a month or so ago. can’t turn that thing on anymore. 

akldsjfalskdjfalkdjfaklsdjfa;ldfjakldfjadkljad 

akjdsaklfjdklasjdflaksjdfalksdjfalsdjfa;dsjfa;dsljfa

i’m different. 

but i can still have fun right? 

my knees hurt 

and i’m hurt. 

sigh 

tomorrow, i hope will not be awkward. please god 

please don’t let it be awkward. 

i’m stupid 

i hate my home 

i love the outside 

volunteering for track was pretty much fun because i got to talk to people 

i hung out with my long lost friend 

and i had to accept things  

and afterwards i went to the library 

and apparently tomorrow i’m going to eat with him at this expensive japanese buffet 

which i’m really against… 

i guess i just wanted to order lunch at cpk or cheesecake factory or something… 

buffets just seem so… asian. 

sigh 

i 

am sad 

food is a problem 

it makes me want to die 

what else should i say 

soo basically, again, i hate myself, i can’t work, i feel fat, etc, etc, it’s windy and i have to walk to school to volunteer for some track meet, i’d rather stay secluded in my home, but if i do then i’ll eat which will make me depressed, and i hate life, i hate life, and i fucking hate life. oh yeah and i’m not ready for my ap tests. i wanted to study this spring break. i didn’t really. what did i expect anyways? go figure. 

I worked up the courage to talk to him! :) And it was a cute and promising conversation.
He seems like a really nice guy. I told him a little about my best friend cause he asked. I’m not sure if me and him could be best friends. I think I’ll have to act too happy for him. Cheer him up when he’s sad. Which there’s nothing wrong with but … I miss the comfort of being able to admit my deepest fears to someone who won’t feel deterred. Because they are different themselves. I plan to talk to T again. I’m never going to let him go and no one can replace him. Alice, you have to stop being so depressed or else you’re going to miss out on the important things in life Like T. And other potential best friends and just being together with them. I was so depressed the whole day today and then I talked to someone. And then now I’m happy. I don’t know anything. I hope the rest of my spring break is productive and most importantly I hope Friday will be an amazing and fun and not awkward day with that new guy. I have to not he afraid to be nice