April 2011
27 posts
I somehow believe that overnight train trips with a person one loves can be one of the most beautiful moments in life. Is that strange? I want to go on one in the east coast or Europe with my best friend who I haven’t genuinely talked to in months….
Wow, I really miss him.
I hope I’m not delusional … I hope our bonds are strong enough that we’re still best...
courage for my friends. my dawgs. haha
i’m going to list them on the bottom. to remember that i still have to try
i can’t try for myself. why would i? i fucking hate myself.
lets do this, alice.
also, to show the people that gave up on me
maybe they made the right decision
maybe i had to prove myself first, but i didn’t
so, thank you for not babying me.
but deep...
so i guess this isn’t all useless right?
in reading and rereading everything, i’m actually learning about myself. seeing my blatant flaws and knowing their dire consequences teaches me to not think of it as okay, as i previously had.
i did it instinctively. i didn’t know wrong from right.
i’m defensive and as a result i lash out
sigh… gotta stop this shit
oh my god
i want to cry
i’m a really bad friend!
i respond to genuine niceness and care with hostility and scathing comments
and that pushes away the people that i need most..
i have to stop doing that!
but am i even able to ?
damn it….
this has caused/will cause me so much suffering… damn it!
i think that so far
today is a good day (:
went to todai and the mall with this guy i know from physics and stats lul
and i was so scared that it would be awkward
but it wasn’t really
we had fun.
even though it was still with me
but that’s okay.
i liked it.
he’s a senior. going to johns hopkins next year.
i wish i took pictures.
but i always feel weird about...
my knees hurt
and i’m hurt.
sigh
tomorrow, i hope will not be awkward. please god
please don’t let it be awkward.
i’m stupid
i hate my home
i love the outside
volunteering for track was pretty much fun because i got to talk to people
i hung out with my long lost friend
and i had to accept things
and afterwards i went to the library
and apparently tomorrow i’m going to eat with him at this expensive japanese buffet
which i’m really against…
i guess i just wanted to...
soo basically, again, i hate myself, i can’t work, i feel fat, etc, etc, it’s windy and i have to walk to school to volunteer for some track meet, i’d rather stay secluded in my home, but if i do then i’ll eat which will make me depressed, and i hate life, i hate life, and i fucking hate life. oh yeah and i’m not ready for my ap tests. i wanted to study this spring...
I worked up the courage to talk to him! :)
And it was a cute and promising conversation.
He seems like a really nice guy. I told him a little about my best friend cause he asked. I’m not sure if me and him could be best friends. I think I’ll have to act too happy for him. Cheer him up when he’s sad. Which there’s nothing wrong with but … I miss the comfort of being...
Moody as hell. I’m stupid. I want to feel better but I don’t know how. I want to talk but I’m scared. I really should huh?
I feel like dying right now. Nothing feels right and everything feels like shit. I want so badly to be productive but I’ve pretty much done nothing useful all day. I hate how this house makes me feel so I’m going to get out now. I only wish i had done so sooner.
i just feel so tired.
i can’t study at home
and i hate my home.
i hate my home so much
i can’t do anything
i have so much homework and i can’t do any of it.
i hate myself so much.
writing a really detailed post about the conclusions I’ve come to about my shitty day on my phone and having it deleted when I was about to post it. It makes me sad how much I hate the world right now.
Epiphany Epiphany
Redoing that post because it was important for me to remember. I’m not going to give a fuck anymore. It’s just who I am. It’s not my fault. I’ll make choices and they won’t be deferential to anyone. I hate the fucking coach and the fucking self righteous captains. It’s not my fault, but i guess it’s not totally theirs either. It’s just the way things are and I’m just going to go with the flow of...
meaning of the dream:
idk. maybe it was that thomas is sad and he needs me. maybe it’s that new york is my destiny and i should go there. maybe it’s that coldness kills. maybe it’s that i really need to make friends with certain people, i would be really compatible with them or we’d have a really meaningful friendship. maybe it’s that thomas will drive away in a car...
I had another interesting dream last night.
I cried after practice today. I wanted to during the workout too. I think it was the loudest I’ve ever sobbed before but maybe it was just the echoing of the bathroom walls.
I guess I want to change things but I think I’ll do the unthinkable —accept things for what they are
Things can still be like this and I can still be okay. No use pursuing an...
anyways here’s the plan.
study for gov team
study for physics bowl
study for physics
study for english
study for apush
study a bit for stats
sign up for sat 2’s
write my own rec letter to science teacher
among other shit.
and friday’s off limits too. damn.
and change a little. dream a little. be happier, a little.
maybe if i took meds things would be...
i think i’m leaping in too quickly but i guess it’s because the pressure of summer is coming.
summer. the time when friends can make it feel like you want to stop time and capture this perfection forever.
but when you spend the year alienating yourself from depression
your summer is going to be crippled
so i guess
spring is now the time for me to desperately try to show some...
i wonder why i always get involved with guys with olden day generic names, or is it just me.
anyways
i
want to win
a prize
if i believe in myself
maybe i can force myself to study really hard
and win
a prize.
and prove myself to the world
as i don’t know, someone worth something.
let’s do that
please?
alice.
you just wasted so much time feeling giddy and then...
i envy people with blogs, that after you read them, you start to empathize with them and think they’re a beautiful person. i want a blog like that. i want people to think that i’m a person worthy of being alive.
but when others read my blog, all they would see is someone who has problems and who can’t cope.
well,
that’s just the way it goes for me
i have to let go...
what’s my meaning?
i was productive this day on in the fact that i finished 4 hours of stats hw.
oh and i’m hanging out with this guy from school that i barely know soon.. maybe?
i guess it’s good that i’m putting myself out there
never would have done such a thing before. i probably would have said no or something. but now i understand that time is running out. the...
dear day before spring break,
hi. i don’t know if you were good or bad.
why am i writing a letter to a day? it’s not the day’s fault.
bad things: i didn’t say goodbye to many people
why am i reading old convos with Thomas?
i’ve noticed that i was pretty caustic in some of the conversations because i felt like he was just playing me
and yet thomas wasn’t deterred and he still talked...
i miss thomas late at night
today i felt so dead that i didn’t feel like acting friendly
that’s not a good thing
i am fucked because i’m probably going to stay up all night doing homework
and what does that leave for my precious sleep time?
you guessed it
nothing
maybe i should just
ditch tomorrow
just kidding
that’s bad
ditching’s bad, yo.
now...
LOL so today
our apush teacher who lets us eat in class
threatened to take away our ability to eat.
it was lulful
but she didn’t get it.
the meet today
i only did the 32. so i lounged around with buds until like 5 30
and it was so ridiculously hot .
anyways i think i gave up a bit more today. i wish i did better.
i guess i got a pretty consistent time from last week
but with every meet, i get more used to it. and i like it more.
but darn it ): i like away meets better than home meets
anyhoo
things are okay but...
March 2011
42 posts
i don’t like sad books
i had an interesting dream last night.
it was at night and my friend(unknown person) called me and said, hey wanna come over to my place? i have a guy friend over. and i could tell that she was implying that she wanted to set me up with him and i was lonely and bored so i said okay cool and i came.
the setting was in a bedroom. the colors were white wall and blueish blankets.
and she had ddr...
So I have this eating problem.
It has caused me to hate myself
But lately I just feel numb
I have looked in the mirror and said, I still look okay. But there will be one day when I open my eyes and can’t accept myself when I look in the mirror anymore. I have to change my ways but I haven’t been able to since last last spring.
let’s talk about my eating disorder
loljk let’s talk about guys.
i get a warm feeling sometimes, when i feel like i’m on to someone.
i really want to make it last for a long time
like a warm glow of a campfire from night to dawn.
sure, it eventually dies.
but lasting through the night
is a pretty darned long time in terms of campfire light. it just may be an analogy...
4 tags
heartache
it occurs once in a while when i look back. so many mistakes. so many repeated mistakes. and it hurts that i can never go back and fix them, make everything okay, and it hurts that i don’t know if i’ll make the same mistakes again. because it has come up repeatedly— i am me. i’ll do the things i do even if i don’t want me to.
the past shaped me, but i was...
even if i become motivated, thigns stop me.
today i wanted to cry because the feeling you get from your team during a meet is so different from one during a normal day
everyone is connected by the common goal. to race our best. and we all support each other.
hearing cheers when you’re tired. seeing teammates stationed at evenly distributed spots on the track, and passing by them four...
daily brief
there was a meet. good things and bad things happened.
i pay for things.
and the race i felt proud of after was the one where i pushed myself towards pain
naturally.
giving up feels like so much shit
learn it.
anyways i was supposed to do work when i get home
but now it’s 12:42
and i haven’t done nothin’
except watch really really hilarious videos...
mistaking the gas pedal for the brake pedal.
turning when there was a car coming (i thought there was a stop sign…)
microwaving a frozen sweet bun for almost 4 minutes and the smell of it burning filling the kitchen.
i survived today. didn’t get in an accident. didn’t burn the house down.
but seriously… what is wrong with me?? am i just too drowsy right now?
i hope...
i really hope no one who follows this blog is on right now because i’d be spamming the dash way too much with useless shit.
but anyways, today jackie went and watched my interview.
i think when i freak out out of anxiety i’m more normal and loose. i remember smiling a lot. with my eyes too.
but i could have said more. there were so many profound things to say that i thought of...
i miss someone. i hope we both make it.
i don’t want to be disappointed on april 1, 2011.
or later in april for that matter.
tomorrow i have a shitload, and i mean a shitload
of homework to finish.
cheers!
-get ap lit ap
-get ap gov/econ ap
-take phys test
-current event
-other shit
-prep for apeng (WHOO up to a 77 now! i love dcq’s :D i want more! more! more!)
-do physics lab… >.> luls
-turn in nhs ap
-clear fucking tardies -_-
-do not over fucking complicate things
-fuck, why is there a meet on thursday?
-run on your toes, i guess?
-get clean running...
mla can just go die. please do. it would make me so satisfied.
it’s REALLY killing me right now.
cartoon from a periodical in note form. and i believe note form is UNNECESSARY! why the hell did people invent a note form when the original MLA form is perfectly functional? it’s so similar too! just add some semi colons and other crap. but what is the need for semi colons and other...
it’s now 3-22
in approximately 17 hours i will be having my gov team interview
of course, i tell others i’m just trying out for fun. just cause. for the experience
but deep down i know that i want this for myself.
i also want this to keep up the competent image that has been slipping lately.
actually i’m pretty low right now.
i have a c in english
i need to at least...
well, this is it.
my butt hurts right now.
position is not comfortable
tomorrow will be a hectic one.
fuck. i can’t keep asking for extensions on my apush packets.
english hw, not done.
okay so for english,
i can satirize the teapot dome scandals? gatsby was supposedly involved in financial scandals and bootlegging and crap so this would apply.
or i can talk about the start of prohibition. that...
i went to speech follies just now!
it’s basically a show of all the best speeches of this year’s speech and debate team.
i really liked it because i think this year i connected with it more on a personal level.
a lot of the stuff, i could relate to myself.
andy’s speech about shyness.
ray’s speech about superheroes.
jason and amy’s speech about best...
i’m so sorry for sleeping this late…
today went okay, i guess.
race, i got faster than usual with spikes.
doctor’s, session went well.
i guess the test i took said i was smart
but i don’t think i am
but i guess i choose to let the stupid test motivate me more.
because if i knew i could, then i would try harder.
but apparently my perceptual reasoning is average...
things are looking up.
that’s what thomas used to say.
looking up, eh?
newsflash
someone is making me smile
and my heart beat faster
and it’s not thomas.
ohhhh dannnggggg.
this is really random and unexpected… but i think this guy’s hitting on me.
should i just ignore it or something?
he’s a cute guy. well, not strikingly cute but he has a nice smile.
and an AMAZING voice.
and i guess he likes me. for now.
but he knows nothing right...