January 2011
61 posts
new years crap.
okay i won’t kid myself
2010 was a crap year.
my stupidity was highlighted all around.
i gain things and i lose them because i don’t know how to keep good things
and
i’m just stupid. i don’t even know if i have a choice in the matter
next year i want to change though. haha that’s what they all say. but i do. i do!
-i’m going to run track. i’m...
December 2010
38 posts
believing in who you are is important
but that means that you have to be someone
the problem is that i feel like letting go of everything else
just to dream. and that doesn’t do anything. at all.
it’s just the way i was made.
i need to light myself on fire.
I’ve always liked dreams better than reality.
It’s okay that i wasted time
it helps me remember my dreams.
OH WAIT. i might have done 2 essays in 6 hours.
i’m really not sure. that’s actually pretty good. even though on the ap test, it should only take me one hour and twenty minutes to complete 2.
i really. really. really. hate myself for being unable to write.
i love time. and yet i waste it on not know what words to put down on paper to make sense. i hate that so much.
i wonder what types of shit grades my shit essays are going to get.
did i just spend 6 hours on one essay?
is my brain playing tricks on me?
i’m not sure how 6 hours can pass doing something as worthless as this.
it’s only 4 paragraphs.
i hate me.
i can’t wrap my head around words.
their so foreign to me. i can’t manipulate them to say what i want them to.
kinda stayed up all night. started on essay at 3. still not done.
i’m unimaginably hopeless at writing. i need to pursue a career that involves no writing whatsoever. if not my life would be filled with suffering.
haha i chickened out.
oh well it was nothing really. just saving some good ol’ pride. i have so little left you know.
anyways i dream of an alternate reality that is not my suburb.
somewhere where (my version) of teenage dreams come true.
where it’s okay to be alone because you’ll find someone looking for someone like you
and you won’t be alone anymore.
sometimes i realize that when i grow older i’ll be sad that i wasted my teen years being a depressed little fucker.
i wish my head wasn’t messed up
it’s so rare for the moments when my head is clear and i feel happy.
i’m always trying to avoid thinking.
seriously. my brain is dormant most of the time.
i want to be happy. but first i have to get out of myself. get...
blood sweat and tears went into my english homework
i didn’t turn on laptop today and finished 3 essays.
then i turned on laptop and wasted 4 hours.
pretty sure i hate the internet right now.
but really, my lack of self control
I CAN’T FOCUS ON WORKING
AUGH. every time i get stuck, i play a game, listen to music, go on tumblr, or something really distracting like that that wastes a long time
and i get stuck QUITE OFTEN.
cause it’s english and i suck at it because i’m not good at communicating ideas.
i should just accept it as a fact of life. i suck at communicating. i suck at writing.
i like...
i spent the entire freaking night on two cans and a string
what the freaaak.
i mean it was fun but in the end i didn’t even know those people.
i should have asked who they were. P:
i really like going on the tumblrs of some of the people who i don’t know really well from school
cause then it feels like i know them and i want to make friends with them. lol. so i can semi like them instead of being wary of them.
but only sometimes. cause it gets annoying.
i don’t know what’s wrong with me
but i want that last vie for perfection to be my last one.
i’ll try really hard to uphold that promise
:|
clannad was beautiful :,)
i just finished both seasons. it was fun watching it. i’m glad i did.
it feels like life is a bit more hopeful now.
i think i cried more in this anime than all the other animes i have watched combined.
but it was a happy crying most of the time. cause it’s just so damn beautiful.
“i wanted to see how much i could make myself hurt and keep on going”
– someone i admire.
trilltown asked: Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!! =)
hey it’s christmas (did i say this already?)
so i guess i should try to have a merry christmas.
i love relient k because their lyrics apply so much to me.
“all of my mistakes keep me awake at night” -> SO TRUE. especially last night when i was listening to that exact song because i couldn’t sleep because i was thinking about… stuff.
and lots more lol.
too...
today was alright. my aunt, her husband, and their two kids came and visited. it was calmer than i expected.
i broke a toy helicopter today. and brand spankin’ new one at that.
and i can’t even describe now bad i felt after.
i wanted to cry cause my dad was going to give it to my kid cousins
cause i just ruined it for them and disappointed so many people at once.
the kids cause...
hey it’s christmas
i wonder if one day you’ll apologize for yesterday.
clannad!! <3
i have a feeling i am going to cry my eyes out in the next few days.
there goes my homework time.
the week after christmas will be intense.
the happiest i have ever been
was when i was living in a dream.
i was so good at acting, and at continuing the dream
but people won’t wait for you forever
in the dream of two people, one person has to snap back to reality first
and it wasn’t me.
it was him.
and his reality didn’t include me. because i refused to partake in any reality.
i just shield myself from it....
trilltown asked: heyy, i know this is your personal blog but i read alot of your posts! i like how your ask and one of your favorite bands is say anything cuz i like them too lol anyhow i used to run xc/track and well your posts would make me feel nostalgic when related to running. getting to the question, what do you plan to do over your christmas break?
i really want to never go on facebook again
but i know it’s just one of my bipolar tendencies to want to ban it.
i sort of need it to keep up with the times…
i don’t really know why i’m posting.
i think it’s cause
i’m feeling nostalgic
i miss someone
who probably doesn’t miss me.
and i’m too afraid to check
1 tag
my headphones are fluffy like clouds.
i hate watching anime cause it makes me not want to go back to the real world.
anyways, clannad <3
makes anyone cry their heart out many times over.
catch phrases that always pop up in my stream of...
let’s be together for ever
the world has been lost
i miss you
i don’t know why i’m how i am
but i’m somehow really messed up as a person
i don’t feel alive. and i don’t want to until i get myself right.
but i can’t because i can’t even try.
i don’t know how. i wasn’t provided with necessities.
all i want to do is watch anime and sitcoms and hang out with friends (sort of. not really. cause i don’t like people right now). and run and run and draw. and read some books. and watch some movies.
and then sing some christmas songs.
but no. i have to rewrite around 8 essays, read a book, do a report and poem on it, study for physics which i have been zoned out from all year, study...
i do not have any self control.
i am not a morning person. or an afternoon person.
how can life even go on then?
i should turn nocturnal.
when i’m feeling “okay” i miss him
and i’ll feel the bad parts of who i am during christmas.
ah. well.
no one needs to know.
i don’t want to lose the feeling
of being able to do what i want to and not be enslaved to a single addiction…
that would be life at its fullest
and although i feel like i could go this thing alone,
i can’t.
so that’s why no matter how appealing show choir and singing and dancing and being girly and looking pretty and gaining recognition and blowing away expectations...
i don’t even know what to say to myself anymore
other people sway me from my inevitable choice
but still, i see no alternative
i’m not fit for assimilation
and i don’t know how to deal with it
the view of life out there looks so beautiful
from the view of my little glass box.
how do you put your faith in a feeling?
you can’t, cause feelings don’t last
but i have to have faith in something…. what can it be?
i can’t make one wrong step and lose all my sanity and security
i need a tether to pull me to earth
to keep me grounded, so winds won’t fly me away.
every week there’s always days when i feel so depressed i want to kill myself
and days when i feel like i can...