it’s now 3-22
in approximately 17 hours i will be having my gov team interview
of course, i tell others i’m just trying out for fun. just cause. for the experience
but deep down i know that i want this for myself.
i also want this to keep up the competent image that has been slipping lately.
actually i’m pretty low right now.
i have a c in english
i need to at least get a B
so mc tests will be my only hope from now on.
i’ll kill those mc tests.
i’ll freaking get 0 wrong
jk. i’ll get like 5 wrong. or 4. teehee.
why am i writing
i am unhappy in deeper respects but right now i have to get things done so i’m stifling my emotionality
i don’t know how to keep people. i really want to keep people. i need them. them may even need me. but i can’t keep one for very long. i come up with excuses not to talk to them. i never maker the initiative sometimes because i’m scared sometimes because i don’t feel like it. stupid initiatives. but people can’t just simply hand things to me.
i hate that i was born like this.
unable to read or respond to people. when someone says something to me in most cases, it takes me 0.1 seconds to look at them and 3 seconds later, i respond.
this is why whenever someone looks at me, i can’t move my head or shift my eyes to confront them with eye contact. because my eyes can’t move fast enough. no, my brain doesn’t send the signal fast enough
i hate this so much.
my progress in regards to reaching my goals with people are so fucked up that i don’t even want to think about them any more.
