what’s my meaning?
i was productive this day on in the fact that i finished 4 hours of stats hw.
oh and i’m hanging out with this guy from school that i barely know soon.. maybe?
i guess it’s good that i’m putting myself out there
never would have done such a thing before. i probably would have said no or something. but now i understand that time is running out. the time to make as many memories as possible before i leave this place behind. i need enough good memories to make it a cherished place that i can return to 5 years later with a warmly nostalgic heart. i don’t want to face a cold place full of severed endings and regrets.
it’s all for the sake of life.
why do i always have to complain about everything?
it always takes me a ridiculously long time to reply to emails and messages.
it can take me up to an hour, and it would just be a a paragraph.
of course, it’s only to the people that i am trying to impress, but trying to hide that i am.
i hope i’ll be able to look back at my spring break with no regrets.
why do i sound so optimistic? i’m not…
it’s never going to work out. i’m just going to fall again
all it takes
is food to come into my mind
take control of my hands and feet
and then i want to kill myself.
all this happiness doesn’t matter when i am in that state.
i want to count the days that i messed up. and i want to just make them disappear
all this time! i want to cry. i’ve kept getting worse and worse this year.
really, why should i even have any faith?
i hate myself. i want to kill myself so much.
i’ve lost all my best friends! and it’s all my fault! it’s not theirs and i should just die! i’m really messed up! all my life i’ve been like this. i want to cry right now.
i don’t want to cry anymore because the past can never be erased
that’s why i have to run as fast as possible away from myself and my disease
and turn into a better person
one that’s actually worthy of being alive
the past held so many beautiful beginnings
that i killed one by one.
i guess i’m a monster in that way.
and i can see myself doing it right now. on an hourly basis. it’s right in front of my eyes. killing more and more opportunities.
act friendly one second. avoid like the plague the next. i can ignore people so easily. i don’t even notice that i’m ignoring them and yet they’re right in front of me.
such is the cycle that makes me remain lonely.
i want to stop it
OR ELSE I’M SERIOUSLY GOING TO DIE.
i don’t know how i’m supposed to be optimistic about the future
when my patterns have always repeated themselves
when i’m just like this. i’m going to fuck it up so badly no one can recognize this as a life anymore. i’m going to fuck myself up. no wonder i look so sad all the time. no wonder i don’t smile often. not unless i’m looking in a mirror. because i also have a fear of being ugly and disgusting, and smiles make faces look more attractive. it’s not really because i’m happy to see myself.
